To the reader: Beth is on vacation. In her absence, the letters she has received from teens have been re-routed to bullies at the teens’ own schools. Beth will be back next week.

Dear Beth,

I really like this girl in my geometry class, but my grade in geometry is slipping because she is my all-consuming thought whenever we’re in class! My parents say if I don’t get good grades, they’ll be very disappointed.

I really want to talk to this girl, but I just don’t have the courage. What should I do?

— Obtuse

Dear Obtuse,

Your ass is mine, pony boy! Oh wahhh wahhhhhhh! Girlie don’t notice me. Girlie don’t like me! I’ll get her to notice you all right. I’ll kick your sorry little preppy ass up around your head. You’ll show up for geometry, whatever the hell that is, wearing your ass as a hat! Everyone will notice you then.

I’m gonna ask around and find out who that girl is, and then I’m gonna tell her what your grade school pal told me. About somebody I know who wets the bed. Betcha she’ll like you lots.

— Greg

Dear Beth,

What is French kissing? My friend says that it is when you put your tongue in a boy’s mouth or the boy puts his tongue in your mouth. Is this true? If so then I think it is really gross. I wouldn’t want some boy’s tongue in my mouth.

— Curious in CA

Dear Curious in CA,

I can’t believe you’re so stupid. Everybody in our grade has frenched before. Even Jenna Thacker, and she has those big braces that go around behind her neck. Not that it surprises me. I don’t know why anyone would want to put their tongue in your mouth anyway, you fat sow.

— Karyn

Dear Beth,

The kids in school tease me because I have a cleft palate. My name is Victor, but when I say my name it comes out like "Nyick-nyer." The bullies are always yelling "Nyick-nyer" at me to make fun of me. There’s nothing I can do about the way I talk, but they still tease me. They think I am a lesser person because I have a speech impediment. Why are kids so mean?

— Haunted in Harrisburg

Dear Haunted in Harrisburg,

Nyick-nyer! Nyiiiiiiick-nyer! Hey Nyick-nyer, I think your mom’s calling you! Oh, don’t you understand? I’ll say it like you would, Nyick-nyer. Nyor nyom’s nyalling nyou. Ha ha! Learn to talk right, you retard.

— Jason D.